Where to next captain?

My mind is like a neglected child lately — so spoiled by lack of structure and discipline that it just does not want to face its own deficits. Instead it thinks about everything it does not have. Lately, instead of pondering how not to be lazy and fruitless, I've been wondering how to live that slacker life-effectively. How can I live off the grid? If I did not have a real job, could it be somewhere like Hawaii or Thailand? How do I escape the clutches of conventional ambition if it has not worked for me yet? Or, am I missing the point. The buddha says life is suffering. I know this. I AM being cheeky here. I want to succeed. Its just I want to succeed in a different way than what I use to want. I want love and kids and a modest nest to call my own. I want peace. I want legitimacy and small daily doses of contentment. I want to stop wanting. I want to not be poor anymore because I am the picture of everyone's pity. It is really hard to be a woman alone. I do not mean to be sexist here but woman have so much more readily apparent love to give and to be single to me is that much more hurtful. Men are stronger on some level. They are tunneled. They are guided by an innate sense of entitlement to conquer whatever stands in their way and most often than not, they know what they want. Women are different. We circumnavigate the waters until we find the right path. We lie still in the waters struggling with the sharks until somehow they no longer want our blood. Men just shoot first-they kill the sharks. But women, we are complicated. And life-it takes a partner to help us gather ourselves. Its too hard to be your own cheerleader, mentor, secretary, mother and wife. Women hold up the world with their hearts while men attack their world with their spirit. And each of us find a way to bolster the meaning of it all for ourselves...I suppose