Followers

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Take Care of Me Please

Dear Bella,

Greetings from your SuperEgo. Yeah I know I know, I'm supposed to be so subterranean that you can't reach me unless we get some hypnosis or some other cockamamie* crunchy ass treatment that I have no doubt you would drag me through. Listen up lady- I'm here and I needed to peer up and speak to you for a minute. So whats up with all this LA lunching??? Huh. In the past month you have had not 1 but 5 mentoring informational meals at fancy places where the other person did most of the talking and paid. You sat and listened to wise but late coming advice about breaking it through in the industry. You smiled and acted grateful while these five people who ARE YOUNGER than you paid the bill and told you to keep your chin up. You patted your self for being beyond age and able to hear the last strands of maybe meaningful counsel while pondering how you are gonna sell your car, move your shit home and have enough money to flee the country when the sediment clears from your impending nervous break down that you shall have when we move back in with your 70yr old folks.

Then dear-heart- you administered one more blow- you dialed the number of a boy 8 yrs your junior after your attempts to date him faltered 3 times young lady. DEAR BELLA- WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO ME. Hello Hello? Does this thing work? Can you hear me???? This is your ego speaking. I do not want to hear any more advise from juniors nor do I want you cavorting with little boys. ARE WE CLEAR??? Good. I'm glad we had this talk. Now go out there and seize the day- no sleeping, no web stuff except writing about me. Now I am going to re-submerge myself and make you do things you don't want to do without knowing it- all in the name to make your self look good to others.

Love
Your SuperEgo.

*Yiddish for devoid of good sense or judgment

Where to next captain?

My mind is like a neglected child lately — so spoiled by lack of structure and discipline that it just does not want to face its own deficits. Instead it thinks about everything it does not have. Lately, instead of pondering how not to be lazy and fruitless, I've been wondering how to live that slacker life-effectively. How can I live off the grid? If I did not have a real job, could it be somewhere like Hawaii or Thailand? How do I escape the clutches of conventional ambition if it has not worked for me yet? Or, am I missing the point. The buddha says life is suffering. I know this. I AM being cheeky here. I want to succeed. Its just I want to succeed in a different way than what I use to want. I want love and kids and a modest nest to call my own. I want peace. I want legitimacy and small daily doses of contentment. I want to stop wanting. I want to not be poor anymore because I am the picture of everyone's pity. It is really hard to be a woman alone. I do not mean to be sexist here but woman have so much more readily apparent love to give and to be single to me is that much more hurtful. Men are stronger on some level. They are tunneled. They are guided by an innate sense of entitlement to conquer whatever stands in their way and most often than not, they know what they want. Women are different. We circumnavigate the waters until we find the right path. We lie still in the waters struggling with the sharks until somehow they no longer want our blood. Men just shoot first-they kill the sharks. But women, we are complicated. And life-it takes a partner to help us gather ourselves. Its too hard to be your own cheerleader, mentor, secretary, mother and wife. Women hold up the world with their hearts while men attack their world with their spirit. And each of us find a way to bolster the meaning of it all for ourselves...I suppose

Between the Canyons and the Cobblestones.

Dear Los Angeles,
Greetings from my head. I wish you here. I know that you know me as someone who is never at a loss for words but lately I find that the questions have gotten so hard that I literally stutter instead of being able to speak. The good news? Well life is so compounded with immediate problems that need solving that I literally can not waste time worrying about the larger existential issues looming in the dismal gray sunset. Oh dear LA. I have taken you for advantage for my entire time here. I looked straight through your eyes for someone else and just now am seeing the beauty in your own curvature. Or perhaps its the escape you provide for me. Its true- New York will always be my true love. But I like you LA. If only I had more time to give you the chance you deserved! If only I could do it all over again. Its sad really. Things take time. I find that I cannot even fill my fleeting days here with volunteering as one needs to do training and make appointments for workshops that are scheduled into the summer. People want guarantees. I have none. In any case LA- I want you to know that I it is with a heavy heart and an injured mind that I most probably will leave you in a tiny minute. So farewell Adieu and va presto.

xoxo
bella