This morning I spent the day glossing over OPWS- other people's websites. This feels, to me, more personal than looking at their significant others. At first it started out as a sadistic tool of torture as I perused the very well formed and successful sites of ex loves and friends whom I unconsciously compete with. But then, thankfully, my brain switched over to learning mode and I became way more interested in how people are able to successfully brand themselves.
I have a speech that I give to my students- it's very Debbie Allen at the beginning of FAME. Here it goes and forgive me for quoting myself, but I have this speech down to a science:
"what is it that you think makes a film maker successful? You and I are a dime a dozen. Everyone and their mother wants to be a famous artist in some form or another. Especially in NYC!!!! And among these legions of starved artists, hungry for their artistic endeavors to be legitimized, there are plenty of talented, intelligent, schmooze-savvy and ambitious film makers. And yet- even THEY don't make it. Who makes it? What leaches out the lucky from the unlucky? Is it just luck? It's the person who has all of the latter and one more thing: their own unique, consistant and attainable voice. "
I thought about this for a while before I started to say this to them. It would be dishonest of me to spew out my own Darwinian philosophy of success without bravely facing my own feelings of failure. Which is why I added the word "attainable" at the end. Frankly the whole speech stinks of Freudian psychology. Words like legitimate and hungry pepper my pep talk with flavors of my own lofty past. Hunger is something I have pondered often. Physically as I battled with weight and existentially in the financial and romantic droughts of my life. Legitimate is an even more intriguing word:
My father uses this word very differently than most and I think it indicates a lot about his personality. He may have many flaws but he is the one person I know for sure does not have a mean or selfish bone in his body. My dad is painstakingly a giver and a morally upright person. He doesn't judge others to much and he tries his hardest to help those in need. So when I tell him a story of someone doing something kind or helpful his response is often "they're legitimate people." Which is to say that outright kindness and extra help is not extraordinary but actually what is only admissible. The defines his moral code and my love for the expression defines my admiration for him.
Therefore I suppose my feelings are that not succeeding is not admissible. One is not legitimate unless they get what they say they are going to get....And one can not get what they say they are going to get if their voices are unattainable. This is the didactic spiral that consumes my brain.
To be a teacher, presumes the notion that you have done all the things that you are teaching. I have not. And as the time passes as my temporary rent payer becomes a full time mistake- I am forced to meet face to face my true misgivings of my past in order to move forward. It is not shocking then that I am unbelievably blocked right now on the book. As I start to write the chapter on love and aspirations I am tongue tied. I sit for hours at my desk wondering what it is I have to say- it seemed like I was frothing at the mouth just a little while ago and now? I am so incredibly stopped up. Not shocking, my disease that I am partially writing about is also is at an all time flair up. Is it that I am sick of thinking about myself? (pun intended) Chronic physical pain can isolate you in a way that is incomparable to any other disenfranchisement I have ever experienced. I have been 100 lbs overweight in the past. I had cystic acne and unruly facial hair in college due to an ovary condition. I've been the only person in the room without a film or a real career. The only single person. The only Jew. The only white person. The only democrat. You name it, i've been the only person standing in the room feeling the way I do. I've been the monster in the room. But being sick is different. Having a vague, hard to describe disease that effects hard to talk about places and creates a surplus of hopelessness and despair is more of an emotional quarantine. And writing is an even more isolating event. But not writing is inadmissible.
Still, what is so unique about pain? Even if I weren't sick of stewing in my own thoughts. What is so unique about charting the timeline of your life for places were you were traumatized? Perhaps I am missing the point. Perhaps its not the content but the wording. And words are sacred to me. I'm letting the perfect be the enemy of the good. I know it.
But I started this entry about branding. Why? Because branding flipped over on its side is individuality and individuality laid down on her side is self awareness. And there it hit me. Loneliness is not alone. Being alone with yourself, sitting with your self and looking deep within in the dark cold murky places nobody can see is a skill that takes years of practice. I have not been sitting with my self. I've been running from myself my whole life.
There is an expression. The teacher teaches what she needs to hear. Perhaps I need more talent, intelligence, ambition, and schmooze-savvy. But what I really need in my own writing is a singular voice that jumps out of the page at me, kisses me on the cheek and says "hello Danielle, here I am babe. Lets do this together. "
I have a speech that I give to my students- it's very Debbie Allen at the beginning of FAME. Here it goes and forgive me for quoting myself, but I have this speech down to a science:
"what is it that you think makes a film maker successful? You and I are a dime a dozen. Everyone and their mother wants to be a famous artist in some form or another. Especially in NYC!!!! And among these legions of starved artists, hungry for their artistic endeavors to be legitimized, there are plenty of talented, intelligent, schmooze-savvy and ambitious film makers. And yet- even THEY don't make it. Who makes it? What leaches out the lucky from the unlucky? Is it just luck? It's the person who has all of the latter and one more thing: their own unique, consistant and attainable voice. "
I thought about this for a while before I started to say this to them. It would be dishonest of me to spew out my own Darwinian philosophy of success without bravely facing my own feelings of failure. Which is why I added the word "attainable" at the end. Frankly the whole speech stinks of Freudian psychology. Words like legitimate and hungry pepper my pep talk with flavors of my own lofty past. Hunger is something I have pondered often. Physically as I battled with weight and existentially in the financial and romantic droughts of my life. Legitimate is an even more intriguing word:
| Main Entry: | |
| Part of Speech: | adjective |
| Definition: | authentic, valid, legal |
| Synonyms: | accepted, accredited, acknowledged, admissible,appropriate, authorized, canonical, certain,cogent, consistent, correct, customary, fair,genuine, innocent, just, justifiable, lawful, licit,logical, natural, normal, official, on the level, onthe up and up, orthodox, probable, proper, real,reasonable, received, recognized, regular,reliable, rightful, sanctioned, sensible, sound,statutory, sure, true, typical, usual, verifiable,warranted, well-founded |
| Antonyms: | illegal, illegitimate, invalid, unlawful,unwarranted |
My father uses this word very differently than most and I think it indicates a lot about his personality. He may have many flaws but he is the one person I know for sure does not have a mean or selfish bone in his body. My dad is painstakingly a giver and a morally upright person. He doesn't judge others to much and he tries his hardest to help those in need. So when I tell him a story of someone doing something kind or helpful his response is often "they're legitimate people." Which is to say that outright kindness and extra help is not extraordinary but actually what is only admissible. The defines his moral code and my love for the expression defines my admiration for him.
Therefore I suppose my feelings are that not succeeding is not admissible. One is not legitimate unless they get what they say they are going to get....And one can not get what they say they are going to get if their voices are unattainable. This is the didactic spiral that consumes my brain.
To be a teacher, presumes the notion that you have done all the things that you are teaching. I have not. And as the time passes as my temporary rent payer becomes a full time mistake- I am forced to meet face to face my true misgivings of my past in order to move forward. It is not shocking then that I am unbelievably blocked right now on the book. As I start to write the chapter on love and aspirations I am tongue tied. I sit for hours at my desk wondering what it is I have to say- it seemed like I was frothing at the mouth just a little while ago and now? I am so incredibly stopped up. Not shocking, my disease that I am partially writing about is also is at an all time flair up. Is it that I am sick of thinking about myself? (pun intended) Chronic physical pain can isolate you in a way that is incomparable to any other disenfranchisement I have ever experienced. I have been 100 lbs overweight in the past. I had cystic acne and unruly facial hair in college due to an ovary condition. I've been the only person in the room without a film or a real career. The only single person. The only Jew. The only white person. The only democrat. You name it, i've been the only person standing in the room feeling the way I do. I've been the monster in the room. But being sick is different. Having a vague, hard to describe disease that effects hard to talk about places and creates a surplus of hopelessness and despair is more of an emotional quarantine. And writing is an even more isolating event. But not writing is inadmissible.
Still, what is so unique about pain? Even if I weren't sick of stewing in my own thoughts. What is so unique about charting the timeline of your life for places were you were traumatized? Perhaps I am missing the point. Perhaps its not the content but the wording. And words are sacred to me. I'm letting the perfect be the enemy of the good. I know it.
But I started this entry about branding. Why? Because branding flipped over on its side is individuality and individuality laid down on her side is self awareness. And there it hit me. Loneliness is not alone. Being alone with yourself, sitting with your self and looking deep within in the dark cold murky places nobody can see is a skill that takes years of practice. I have not been sitting with my self. I've been running from myself my whole life.
There is an expression. The teacher teaches what she needs to hear. Perhaps I need more talent, intelligence, ambition, and schmooze-savvy. But what I really need in my own writing is a singular voice that jumps out of the page at me, kisses me on the cheek and says "hello Danielle, here I am babe. Lets do this together. "
