Sunday, August 8, 2010
Concentration is not my strong point. It never has been. I am the good reactor- quick on my feet with the sharp shooting one liners. I am that friend who helps out in a crisis. My emotional and logistical instincts are superior. However if you need me to do something a while from now and you need me to be organized- sadly that's a whole other ball game. I could blame it on generational A.D.D brought on my the computer age. Sadly it is the ability others have to keep up creatively with all the generated content the virtual world affords us i.e. Facebook, twitter, Foursquare check in...etc, that elucidates my inability and shows me that it is not a societal disease but rather a personal defect- a fear of focusing. This wasn't always the case. I don't remember feeling like I was drowning in procrastination and consternation. However it is now and I find myself having to manually place parameters on my self that are truly hard- don't look at other people's Facebook, be OK with not knowing whats going on, don't make so many plans. don't go out as much. stop entertaining yourself, stop caring about others so much that it becomes your very identity. In other words- be selfish. Be self centered. This is hard for me for petty reasons. I don't want to lose love. But as i get older there are things I want more than love and things I want for myself and not for the confirmation from others. However I ramble here. My point being this: Here I am in my child hood room at 1am writing a meaningless insignificant post and I don't really know where that is going but its brutal and ugly. Beginnings are not really beginnings if they are simply born out of other things ending. Glass half empty gal? you betcha! I am working out my thinking muscles at the moment so bare with me- I am out of shape. My thoughts don't read like essay paragraphs anymore. I am out of shape in every sense of the word and this is hard for me. i am spreading myself thin, So I am going to try to come here every day and write something. Because its time to get back. Its time to focus. Its time to let go of knowing others and time to know thy self. Lets hope this does not grow dusty like unused gym membership.